Hope Deferred

When three of my five children had graduated high school and were enrolling at Tulsa Junior College (TJC), I decided to enroll as well.  I married right out of high school and never pursued a college education.  What was motivating me to return to college was to improve my writing skills so that I could become a published author.  Up to that time I had written devotional articles and tracts for the Lighthouse Inc. Neodesha, Kansas and had written articles for area nursing homes monthly newsletter. With my husband’s encouragement I completed junior college and found by then my desires changing.  My husband and I had spent several years doing volunteer Chaplaincy work in Tulsa area nursing home which pulled on my heart strings to help people living in nursing homes. When I enrolled at Langston UCAT my goal was to a major in psychology with a focus on geriatrics.  In 1991, I graduated Langston Magna Cum Laude. I accomplished something that I had never dreamed that I could do.  In the process, I had uncovered more of my hidden desires and talents that I didn’t realize I had.  Now I found myself facing a crossroads and realized that I wanted to complete enough college so that I could become a Licensed Professional Counselor.  In order to accomplish this, it required passing the GRE and finishing sixty graduate hours. In addition, students had to complete an internship in a mental health facility. When I reviewed the requirements to follow my heart’s desire it seemed overwhelming. However, through spending much time in prayer and searching my heart I overcame my doubts, fears and questions of whether or not I could actually accomplish such a goal.

In 1994, after I had passed the GRE, I enrolled at Northeastern State University (NSU) to pursue a Master of Science degree in Counseling Psychology. When I had accomplished all NSU’s requirements, the final step would be to pass the state exam in Oklahoma City.

I set my sites to obtain the graduate requirements and become a Licensed Professional Counselor so that I could help people who had mental health issues find peaceof mind. Up to that point, many of my life experiences had involved dealing with people who had mental health struggles. My hope was after obtaining a degree in psychology I could better understand and help people struggling with mental health issues.

I worked tirelessly through many late hours of study to finish the required courses to obtain my degree. I was doing well in all my classes until my last year at NSU when I encountered a professor who perceived older women going back to college rather pointless. I was enrolled in his class taking Practicum One.  I didn’t realize that this professor was known to look down on older women and even stop them from obtaining a diploma.  Two weeks before the exam the professor announced how difficult the exam would be and that he would not be grading on a curve. Daily at the end of class he reminded us that we needed to be prepared and that if we made less than a B, we would be required to take the class over. At the time I was unaware of how quickly that fear could fill my mind. It was an experience that I wasn’t fully equipped to deal with. You might call it my blind side. Up until the day of the test I had a 4.0 in all my classes. 

The day of the test I woke up with a terrible headache.  After eating breakfast, I took two Pain Aid tablets hoping to ward off my headache.  I arrived at class and found a desk, I sat down trying to de-stress and calm myself before the tests were handed out. I was hoping that the pressure behind my eyes creating pain would ease up.  After about ten minutes the professor addressed the class and handed out the tests. As I read through and began answering the questions, nervousness started settling in.  It became difficult to concentrate. I finally finished and handed the test in.  I breathed a sigh of relief as I picked up my back pack and walked out the door. The next day when the grades had been posted I found that I had made a C on the test.  This meant that I would be required to spend another part of a year and retake the class in order to graduate.  I was devastated. Have you ever found yourself in a place of despair because the thing that you hoped for appeared as though it would not happen?

At home I cried and prayed and asked the Lord to help me finish what I had started. My heart was crushed with despair and a feeling of failure. The question that I had to answer was did I have the courage to face failure and continue to pursue becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor? My dream seemed to be turning into a nightmare.  I wondered, could that ever happen now, I needed to answer another question was I willing to take the class over?  To do this I would need to overcome my doubts and fears of facing professors and others in the world of education and the world of work and find the courage to face my fear of failure?  There’s a scripture that says the Lord hasn’t given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.  Somehow, I had not let that word become real in my life. So, in a very real way, I felt that I had allowed fears to dominate my mind instead of believing God’s word. My hopes were dashed into pieces.  I was already fifty-three years old. Time seemed to be moving forward at an accelerated pace.

After a few weeks had passed I continued to feel upset and grieved. So much so that I was really struggling with feelings of defeat, and thinking that I maybe should not continue to pursue this ominous task at my age. Then early one morning I woke up, I felt hope rising. After breakfast and during devotions my husband read Proverbs 13:12 NKJV, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but when desire comes it is a tree of life.” Through the promise in this scripture, and a husband who had faithfully encouraged me I knew that I needed to retake the class and plan to graduate NSU.  The desire to finish what I started rekindled my desire to return to college and finish what I started.

The following year I enrolled in Practicum This time through a different professor.  I finished the class with an A.  The next step was to find a mental health facility where I could do my internship.  I searched for a facility that would hire me. I wanted to get paid while obtaining my internship.  Not every student enrolled in Counseling Psychology got paid while doing their internship.

God is good and he was teaching me to trust him. That Spring I applied at Grand Lake Mental Health in Bartlesville, Oklahoma.  They hired me to be a Geriatric Counselor. In this position, I ended up going to long term care facilities in a seven-county radius.  I felt like I was being kept in Goshen while finishing my degree.  In the fall I traveled to Oklahoma City to take the LPC exam and passed with flying colors.  When the Lord has positioned you to fulfill a call on your life, he is faithful to help you to complete what he has started in your life.  Delays in life are not denials. Delays may be a way of time passing to remove obstacles that would take you in the wrong direction.

Psalm 84:5-7 “Blessed are those whose strength is in the Lord, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage, as they pass through the Valley of Baka (weeping) that makes it a place of springs, the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.”  This scripture tells me that the tears we shed become a place of refreshing that imparts strength and courage to do the will of God. It becomes a door of hope.