Have you ever gone through a time that you had a broken heart? Or a dream that you had since childhood crumbled before your eyes? If so, I’m sure that you found that during those times of heartache and disappointment you searched for answers. You may have cried out why, God why? What happened? Where do I go from here? These are times that it becomes tempting to blame someone else or maybe yourself. These kinds of responses don’t bring resolve. So, what does? How can any human being move on from a place of grief and loss and tell yourself it’s time to get back to life’s responsibilities? Danny Gokey wrote a song, “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again.” That is what I had to do.
October of 2001 my husband died from having gastric bypass surgery. The operation didn’t go as planned. There were multiple issues that occurred as the result of his surgery. He was in the hospital in ICU for seven months and four day, the doctors tried almost every known method to help him get well. When he passed away, I had a broken heart and yes broken dreams. He was only fifty-eight years old and we had lots of plans for the future. One of the first things that I did was blame the doctor that did the surgery and even blamed myself for not being able to talk my husband out of having the surgery. I felt so empty and alone. Almost numb with a sense of feeling like it was a bad dream and not even true.
After several months of grieving I found that I needed to move on. Life doesn’t stop when a loved one passes, I had to get on with my life. The staffing business that my husband and I owned had to continue. After all, I was the CEO and our employees were depending on me for the direction that the business would take in the future. On the home front, I had ten grands and another one about to be adopted. One of the ten grands was born in August just six weeks before my husband passed. My husband never did get to see his grandson.
Ultimately, I found the ability to carry on though my husband was gone. My life from that point felt like walking down an unknown road. A road that needed to be identified so that once again I could find my way. I found this road would become one well-traveled as many people in this world have gone down the same road. This road is one where hope is the basic emotion that brings new opportunities and responsibilities. I found that prayers of others and loved ones helped immensely. There were many individuals and family members who carried the grieving process with me. I also found strength in this scripture, 2 Corinthians 1:-5 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort that we ourselves receive from God.”
In retrospect, bad things happen to good people. Life is not always predictable. Grief is a journey; one doesn’t just spend two- or three-months grieving. Grief ebbs and flows. During those times of feeling overwhelmed with loneliness and grief we can be comforted through memories and the good times that were filled with family time and celebrations. All these times of joy and laughter now a memory, provided hope and comfort. I found that memories are like seeds planted in our life that spring up in my life and come to mind after a loved one passes. When the love of my life passed, it was not expected. The entire seven months and four days were some of the hardest days of my life. It seems that almost every day would present itself with some unknown problem that needed to be resolved. The trauma of that time was beyond belief. Many times my emotions were uncontrollable. In those times I found comfort through prayer and spending time with visiting my husband.
I realize now that during that time, I became hyper-vigilant knowing that my husband’s life was hanging in the balance. Because I had the dual power of attorney and my husband was not able to make decisions the pressure was on me to do the right thing. If the doctors presented me with the need to do a procedure it was up to me to give them an answer. This led to experiencing the emotions of fear, guilt, and uncertainty. Many times, after making a decision there would be questions in my mind of “what If?” During the time I was experiencing this unrest, a friend of mind who had cancer and was on a chemo pump to keep her cancer in remission visited me. She drove all the way from Kansas on her way to visit her children who were living in Oklahoma City. She encouraged me. “your husband isn’t really experiencing the intense pain as you think he is], your husband is in the valley of the shadow of death.” She then said, “I have been there in that valley of the shadow of death and I felt no pain.” It was her words that helped remove the guilty feelings that I had been going through. Today, the memory of my husband’s loss reminds me that no matter what happens in this life, God will give us the strength and the courage to carry on. One of my favorite hymns is, “Great is thy faithfulness.” Some of the lyrics that come to mind are, “all I have needed, thy hand has provided.” God provides and he is faithful.
Rekindling the Flame 